genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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