Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
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I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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