I need help removing her.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
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She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.