not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
