theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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