I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
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We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.