I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You can't special order awesome
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say