I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.