I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"