he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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