Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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