Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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