shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
