i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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