How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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