Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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