Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
