I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
