Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
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The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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