I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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