You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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