would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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