We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
