if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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