My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
