god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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