She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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