I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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