3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
