I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Who died my cat blue again?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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