last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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