I just pynch a tree in the face
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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