I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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