I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
