if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
