I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible