I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.