you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
