My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
