no, he came in my armpit
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
