If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
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He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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