We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
