I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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