i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
