i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
