just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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