finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
