A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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