Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
