New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
