I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
