Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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