Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
