nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
