i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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