I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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