well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
