Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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