Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
