Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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